Admit it. You saw the title, and thought of this character.
I'd love for as many people to read my blog as would watch a Disney film. Let's hope that I can keep you equally captivated. No, more than that. I want you to feel that you were there with me.
As ever, the walk was unplanned. I planned a route and how I would get back to Vienna after almost being stranded when the route Google Maps gave me last time relied upon a seasonal ferry whose last boat had sailed two hours previously. But apart from expecting to see a big river, I'd done no other research.
I ended the previous leg in Hainburg an der Donau, having crossed a bridge to take what is called the Pressburger Bahn. That's the railway to Bratislava, Pressburg being the name which Bratislava was known as in German under the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Predictably, in Slovakia, the railway is called the Viedenská električka, the Vienna Electric Tram. More on the Pressburger Bahn later.
Here's Hainburg station, with a mountain in the background.
We're soon by the Danube. You can see the bridge I crossed last time in the distance. It's said that you can see Bratislava Castle from there on a clear day. That's a winter view to go back for.
Covid-19 Chaos Cluster. An exhibition of work created during Covid-19, and displayed in Hainburg from 2021. Local children and young people were given a 30cmx30cm canvas, and asked to paint their thoughts.
Here we have horse chestnuts in the foreground and sweet chestnuts in the background. Except we don't. I believed that growing up. It's actually horse chestnut at the front and red horse chestnut at the back. Horse chestnuts and sweet chestnuts are only related in that both are trees.
The sweet chestnut is actually a member of the oak family. I first saw them (the trees not the nuts) when I was working in Tunbridge Wells, so I have a lame excuse that they don't grow near Scunthorpe. Sweet chestnuts are lovely on the fire at Christmas, but conkers are poisonous.
Out of this hole in one of the conker trees, I saw a treecreeper emerge. They only ever climb trees as a rule because although they can go backwards, they choose not to. They eat the insects from the bark, then fly down to the bottom of the next tree and start again. Here's a video showing what I would showed you had I been fast enough.
I left the cycle track to take the more scenic footpath. This tunnel (one of two through the Braunsberg Hill) looks old. I discovered that it dates from the first decade of the 20th century. Note how short it is - people weren't as tall in those days.)
Here we have a European inland waterways motorised cargo barge or Gütermotorschiff. What would it carry when laden? Basically, anything which goes on a small barge, but most likely grain or agricultural products. What I've seen in Austria east of Vienna has been largely flood plains, but this area is the agricultural bread basket of Austria.
We even manage a bit of beach. OK, stones. It's a bit like Brighton beach without nudists.
The scenery, given that we are on a river path, is about an unlike the flood plain leaving Vienna as you could possibly imagine.
This is Burgruine Rötelstein. With Devín Castle opposite and a little further on the Slovakian side of the river, the two castles patrolled a narrower part of the river in the middle ages. However, this castle has been ruined since 1511, so it's amazing that anything survives.
From nudism to naturalism. Among the Herb Robert we find wild garlic.
A small Maria-Lourdes Grotto a little further on. It's hard to believe, but this whole area (the Hainburger Au) would have had a hydroelectric plant built on it but for protests in the 1980s. See here for details .
A rather wonderful Solomon's Seal. It looks a bit like a spine with vertebrae, so it was used in past times to treat joint issues. But beware - it's poisonous.
This is the most Wild Garlic I've ever seen. The smell is incredible. And, yes, you can eat the flowers.
The sort of scenery I expected to see from Vienna onwards - this is Jägerhaussiedlung. Literally "Hunter's House Settlement", it was the sort of scenery I'd expected from Vienna onwards. It wasn't to be, and there were many other interesting sights. Kind of ironic that the village appears with my mobile coverage already from Slovakia.
Meadow Clary is the purple flower - I knew that it was related to sage, but not what it was. The yellow flower I can identify as a a spurge. Given where it is, it's likely to be Cypress Spurge. Note that the sap of all spurges is poisonous.
Here's the aforementioned Devín Castle. This is taken looking across the river. The houses are the 'First and Last' of Slovakia, with the border being the Morava River slightly to the left of the photo. To the west of the Morava River lies Austria. The border is staggered over several kilometres here.
The Hollitzer Quarry. A modern limestone quarry, right? Wrong. Couldn't be much more wrong, in fact. The Romans started the quarrying here. It's the largest active quarry for building aggregates in Austria, but not only that - abandoned areas of the quarry attract orchids, reptiles and butterflies.
The Pressburger Bahn, by the B9, heading for the terminus in Wolfsthal.
I'm back on the cycle path after the wonderful nature walk. It looks pleasant to cycle though. I enjoyed the stretch across the flood plain near Vienna because of what I was able to see at walking pace, but the monotony wouldn't be much fun on a bike.
An exercise in perfect alignment of shadow - purely accidental, of course. I saw lots of these. They appear to be markers for underground infrastructure such as pipes.
A sign to Bratislava. It's only taken a few hours.
A village, after a few hours of walking. This is Wolfsthal, the last village in Austria.
Nice to see houses again after the walk along the river.
A Wisteria across the entrance. We could be in England.
This is beyond Wolfsthal station, and we have a crossing no-gates on an electric railway. I doubt it's used much, though.
A buffer stop for the end of the line. It used to go to Bratislava, but given that there two other routes from Austria, it gives a reminder of times past.
You can walk along where the line used to go...
...until you can't.
Looking up the hill from Wolfsthal.
The border is ahead.
My first view of Bratislava reminds me very much of Prague. This is Karlova Ves.
The Canary Wharf of Bratislava. But what's that pole at an angle to the left of the picture?
Bratislava Castle.
The border, at last.
Military Orchids on a motorway embankment. The strange places which rare flowers grow. Even orchid specialists struggle to grow these at home.
Crossing the bridge to see Bratislava's riverside, I note that bungee jumping is banned.
From the bridge, I see the 'pole' again. That's the SNP Most - the Slovak National Uprising Bridge, commemorating the uprising against Nazism in 1944.
Despite the fact that the motorway for the Bratislava Western Bypass is above, you can still cycle across the bridge.
The building extending over the river is The River Park Complex. A large family flat there - 3-4 bedrooms - would cost €800,000 to €1,200,000.
Food and Pilsner by the river. We could be in Prague.
Art at River Park I. Lion, by Ji Yong Mo. It's made from recycled tyres.
Art at River Park II. The Maria Theresa Monument. Not to be confused with the Maria Theresa Monument in Vienna. Nor the Maria Theresa Monument made from marble, which stood a little further east until it was destroyed by Republicans in 1921.
This smaller scale one, by Martina Zimanová Matúšová, was created in bronze using old photographs of the original.
The castle from Vodná Veža tram stop.
Bratislava Main Station was the end of the first day, and the start of the second. It's a long walk up a hill from the river.
The station feels like a Czech rural station which hasn't been modernised since the war - which, essentially, it is. My introduction to the city with the orchids and 'no bungee-jumping' sign were far more impressive than this sad relic.
Here's the SNP Most close up. That was the start of my real walking on the second day, having taken a tram down from the station.
A pleasure boat passes just downstream of the bridge, close to the horizon on the other side of the river. Or so it seems.
The Reduta Palace. Built between 1911 and 1915, it's the home of the Slovak Philharmonic Orchestra.
The Secondary Industrial School of Engineering. It's much more impressive from the South Bank, but I'm pleased to say that I wouldn't have been able to take the pictures of the statues from there, so everything's good.
A meadow by the docks. Clearly daisies, and I believe flax - so it's probably planted.
A dead railway by the docks. It looks like industrial decline, but it's next to the New City Centre. Trains can still exit to the east. The small amount of railway serves as a reminder of the industrial past.
The bridge above is Starý Most - it is like Prague's Dvorecký Most, only open to trams, cycles and pedestrians. It's built on the foundations of the Franz Josef Bridge, which was destroyed by retreating Nazis at the end of WWII, but rebuilt quickly by the Red Army and German prisoners of war. Having been rebuilt again, it now serves as the only way across the Danube for trams in Bratislava, heading for the urban Petržalka area south of the river.
CRITIC: Have you noticed that lots of things are named after Emperors and Empresses here?
Like the blast furnaces in Scunthorpe, you mean, named after Queens? Or the Elizabeth and Victoria Lines in London.
CRITIC: The Victoria Line isn't named after the Queen.
The Victoria Line is named after the Victoria area of London, which is named after Victoria Street, which is named after the Queen. And did you know that people called Queenie in the late nineteenth century were usually called Victoria, and that Queenie was just a nickname?
CONSCIENCE: DIGRESSION!
Sustained. Where were we?
Oh yes. Here's the New City Centre, Bratislava's Canary Wharf. The chimney behind the gates looks like a preserved piece of industrial history. Although I've had a number of suggestions for what it is, I'm none the wiser.
Inevitably, passing the docks, the path is inland. It looks to be almost as straight as the path on the raised bank on the way to Hainburg.
The contrast between the working docks and the New City Centre.
Unlike what became Canary Wharf on the Isle of Docks, Bratislava Docks remain quite busy. But why, when London had declined so much? There's a big difference in geography though. I'm not going to reach the mouth of the Danube on the Black Sea with a few days' walking, as I could if I walked from Canary Wharf to Tilbury. And Tilbury's the key here - you can have docks at Tilbury, and not need to make the Thames deep to handle the container ships.
I also had the thought that I hadn't seen a port in Vienna, so there isn't one. Wrong. Remember that I walked along the north bank of the Danube in Vienna, and it's an artificially created, relatively shallow channel, You see Donauinsel rather than the south bank.
We reach the countryside beyond the docks. Although the traffic is largely bikes and the occasional crazy pedestrian, this is actually a bus route.
Managed meadow in the foreground with willows and poplars in the background.
As I passed by here, I heard my first cuckoo of the year. Yes, I know, I'm a townie these days. What is it they say? One cuckoo does not a summer make? CRITIC: No Ian, it's a swallow. One swallow does not a summer make.
I saw my first swallow of the year too. Talking of cuckoos, did you know that a cuckoo looks like a cross between a pigeon and a zebra? I'll get my coat.
This is another salvia, related to the Meadow Clary seen on the first day. This one is wood sage. Would it work for sage and onion stuffing? No. It would be little better than grass and onion stuffing. But it looks pretty by the Danube.
Predictable attempt at a mathematical picture under a bridge which isn't quite perfect. Or even perfect to the naked eye, for that matter.
Lush meadow here. Picture taken because I saw comfrey, but we also have meadow buttercup and cow parsley.
The woodland looks quite wild between the raised path and the river. That's sort of true. It's the same sort of species I planted close to the river when I was working on the York to Selby railway line. I was doing it to replace (actually far more than replace) the trees we felled. These species (common alder, white willow, black poplar, white poplar) absorb water and are useful in flood defence.
However, it's not unmanaged. The rangers keep out invasive species such as American Boxelder or false indigo-bush. The trees remain much as they were centuries ago.
Wild garlic again, but less of it. But look carefully. It isn't.
It's Star of Bethlehem. If you look at the leaves, you can see that it's not wild garlic.
CRITIC: What leaves?
Precisely. And you wouldn't find wild garlic in full sun - you see it in shady places.
Note that Star of Bethlehem is highly poisonous. Think foxgloves. But we wouldn't eat random mushrooms we found on a walk without knowing what they were, would we?
White Bedstraw. So called because it was used to stuff mattresses. Bedstraws are Galium in Latin, whereas garlic is Allium. Although I wouldn't make the mistake of thinking that flower was garlic, despite the similarity of the names.
And a few more military orchids. The soil must have deteriorated from the lush meadow near Bratislava.
Here the river opens out into a huge lake, maybe two kilometres wide. I wonder what's going on? Is it an area that has been flooded so that Vienna and Bratislava will be safe from flooding?
A scabious. Nothing to do with scabies. Or rabies, for that matter.
Another spurge. As before, the sap is poisonous.
There's a canal beside the Danube. It's actually below the huge expanse of water in the Danube...
...and, if you look carefully at the video, the water in the canal is flowing backwards. What on earth is going on here?
Amongst my confusion lies extreme calm. A swan is nesting on the banks of the canal.
The signs in Hamuliakovo are bilingual in Slovak and Hungarian. We're only 20km from Bratislava (or Gútor in Hungarian), but about 20% of the population have Hungarian as their first language. Going back a few decades, the village would have had a majority of Hungarian speakers, but the proximity of Bratislava and a half-hourly bus service has brought with it an influx of people whose first language is Slovak. However, it's appropriate that I go back from here to Pozsony - the Hungarian name for Bratislava.